the paradox of solitude

  My phone rings and it’s my dear friend from out-of-town whom I love and miss.  As I look at the phone, however, something in me sinks because I can’t bear to answer the call.  I have just left the office where I love working with both staff and clients, but it still feels impossible to pick up the phone. As an introvert, I desperately feel the need to recharge by myself. Learning about my own capacity and limitations as an introvert has felt magnified the longer I am a… Continue reading the paradox of solitude

healthy conflict

  I tend to be pretty biased toward myself when in conflict.  I don’t like conflict, but when I am caught up in it I tend to more clearly see my own points of justification, rather than the other person’s.  It’s easy to understand myself (most of the time).  I am aware of my feelings and desires, as well as issues and dislikes.  When something rubs me the wrong way, I feel it.  When I disagree with someone’s viewpoint, I want to make my perspective heard, especially if I value… Continue reading healthy conflict

He is bigger than our fears

  Anxiety tends to lie to me.  Sometimes it can tell the truth, but most of the time it boldface lies or tells half-truths (which are still lies).  It tells me that I can only depend on myself to vet every situation of danger.  It tells me to be ready for threats at all times and that I am not safe, even if I am.  It tells me that I have to see threats coming or else I won’t survive.  Anxiety shouts all kinds of things, and most of the… Continue reading He is bigger than our fears

receiving the truth in love

  I have a “peacemaker” in me, which is not to be confused with “pacemaker.”  My physical heart is just fine, but it tends to beat faster in the midst of conflict.  When there is tension in a room, I just want to shrink and do a magical disappearing act.  If only I could wiggle my nose and teleport to a place of peace.  I find that when someone is in conflict with me, receiving that truth is hard to bear.  It calls me to face the fact that I… Continue reading receiving the truth in love

redemptive consequences of suffering pt. 2

  This week my back has been hurting when I sit or lay down.  Don’t worry; I sit for a living and I rest by laying down, so it has been as convenient as you can imagine.  It’s more like a large plate of discomfort with a couple sides of pain.  I have Web MDed and Googled plenty to have digested a few self-diagnoses, as well. Thankfully my health has not threatened me much in the past, and I’ve only one broken bone to my name.  But when I am… Continue reading redemptive consequences of suffering pt. 2

Joy and wonder

My sister and her family recently came to visit, and through the eyes of her little ones, I am reminded of joy and wonder that is right in front of me. One example is that my oldest niece delighted in playing with my hair.  After she had parted it down the middle and fastened perky pigtails, she smiled and said, “That looks SOOOO good on you.” My laugh leaked out as I pictured myself with pigtails across from clients.  How on earth would anyone take me seriously?  I’m not talking low… Continue reading Joy and wonder

Made to Rest

  It was pitch black and eerily quiet with only intermittent swishes of cars whizzing by.  Getting home on a summer evening after 8:30 when the power is out means that you can hardly see your hand in front of you.  My imagination, or a kind way to say “anxiety,” took off and I envisioned a scary kind of “hide and seek” with invaders hiding in corners of the house, not waiting to be found but waiting to find me.  After lighting some candles and checking all the corners, I… Continue reading Made to Rest

Being Single

  Memes, mugs, and t-shirts often say “Adulting is hard,” referring to the laborious task of being a responsible grown-up.  When I google “Singling is hard,” no memes or images come up. But they should.  It seems we are more willing to admit that we don’t want to carry adult duties we have than to admit we don’t want to go it alone. For me, singleness has felt like I missed the train.  The doors slide open and all my friends hop on, but when the doors close, I am… Continue reading Being Single

Depression

  She often gets ignored – even when she screams. Can you imagine what this is like for her?  You walk into a room and the people there will not even look at you.  You wave and say “hello,” but still, there is no response.  You decide that maybe they don’t hear you or see you wave, so you try again, getting louder and waving a bit more demonstratively.  The only response you get is them turning their backs.  It seems that others just wish you would go away.  OUCH!… Continue reading Depression

Looking for what I already have

  A friend walked in my house the other day, peeling off her winter layers.  She stopped mid-step, looked down, and began to retrace her steps in search of something.  She voiced that she had lost one of her gloves somewhere in between the short walk from the door to the kitchen.  Oblivious to the fact that the Velcro on her jacket had snatched her glove so that it stuck so perfectly under her scarf just outside of view, she asked if I had seen it.  What was such a… Continue reading Looking for what I already have