when rest feels like guilt
I recently learned something new about myself. After being sick for 2-3 weeks, I realized how surprised I was by my emotional reaction to it. Being 20 weeks pregnant, a mere cold totally took me out; I was unable to function, forced to cancel clients, and couldn’t cook dinner or care for my 3 year-old. I just had to be in bed for several days. The forced rest made me extremely uncomfortable, because the truth is that when I’m sick, I usually can push through. I work part time and I am a toddler mom and wife, so I am always juggling a lot. Life doesn’t stop just because you’re sick, I tell myself, and I keep going.
This time was different; I couldn’t push through. But my discomfort with having to rest wasn’t the most surprising part. My husband, Jon, took care of everything related to our home and daughter. We usually split things 50/50, but for these weeks he was doing 100%. I was surprised by how uncomfortable this made me and how guilty I felt. You might think I would just feel grateful for such a selfless, loving husband. And I did. But I also felt so much guilt.
I was continually checking in on him – “Are you okay? Are you sure?” and “If I need to, I can help.” He kept telling me to stay in bed and rest, that he was “good” and he would bring me whatever I needed.
This almost made me angry. Surely, he can’t be “good.” He must need my help!!
My friend Sabrina called me just to say hi. I tiredly answered and I shared with her what was going on. “It feels good to be needed,” she said in response. I was lovingly called out by those words. They resonated deeply with me. My discomfort was because I didn’t like that life kept going on without me, and I definitely didn’t like that I was unable to even care for myself.
Essentially, my self-importance and pride were hindering me from just receiving Jon’s love and service.
My sisters-in-law and I are reading a book together called Inexpressible: Hesed and the Mystery of God’s Lovingkindness by Michael Card. The book is about the word hesed and its many meanings and uses throughout the Bible. Card defines hesed as “when the person from whom I have a right to expect nothing gives me everything.” In chapter 8, he reflects on the role of God’s hesed in the life of Moses. Card makes the connection between the concepts of God’s hesed and the satisfaction of hunger, manna, and morning (manna was God’s food provision for Moses and the Israelites in the wilderness).
In Psalm 90:14 Moses prays, “Satisfy us in the morning with your steadfast love (hesed), that we may rejoice and be glad all our days.”
Moses knew and experienced God’s continual provision and the gift of it coming in the morning. Michael Card writes, “Our lives are lived daily, and every single day begins with a morning. To begin every day being satisfied, as Moses says, with the lovingkindness of God, to experience that hesed every morning as David sings in Psalm 143:8, is the most profound application imaginable. Any day that begins with such a realization will be shaped by the kindness and hope that only the hesed of God can bring. Every encounter that awaits in the day that follows such mornings will be transformed and transformative.”
What are we doing right before morning arrives? We are sleeping, resting, doing nothing to earn or prove. Then each morning, we are given new grace for that day ahead, a promise of satisfaction and provision for just that day. We wish we could hoard our provision, to not need it again the next morning. Our dependence on God and on one another is frustrating, yes. But it’s by design. Pride deceives us into believing we are self-sufficient. God’s word and our everyday experiences give us the gift of knowing we are not. God’s hesed will satisfy us in the morning.
And if we let others see our vulnerabilities, we will learn that the people around us also desire to care for our needs. God, in his grace, is teaching me how to rest and receive his love and the love of those around me.
Megan began counseling at The Barnabas Center in the summer of 2022. She has a Bachelor of Arts from Southern Illinois University Edwardsville, where she studied Psychology, Religious Studies, and Mandarin Chinese. She received her Master of Arts in Counseling from Reformed Theological Seminary Orlando. Megan lives in Charlotte with her husband, Jon. She loves to spend quality time with friends, go on walks/hikes, and travel to new cities. She enjoys drinking quality coffee, watching shows, and doing yoga.
