cultivating capability

Recently, I have been listening to a parenting podcast series on the Raising Boys and Girls Podcast by David Thomas and Sissy Goff on raising capable children that has captured my attention. These counselors run a thriving counseling ministry for children, adolescents, and families called Daystar in Nashville, TN. In this podcast series, they share what they believe is one of the major issues for children and adolescents today, which is a crisis of capability. They notice that across the board, kids in today’s generation “feel less able to handle normal challenges” than kids in previous generations have. They are finding that kids are crumbling under pressure, not taking healthy risks (or sometimes not knowing how to say no to unhealthy risks), and experiencing higher levels of anxiety and depression than ever before. They point to several cultural shifts that have contributed to this, including parenting style changes, “the rise of smartphones, the loss of play-based childhoods, language inflation’ around mental health, and increasing avoidance of discomfort.”

There are so many factors working against cultivating capability in our children.

However, the good news is that capability isn’t something children are simply born with—it’s something that can be cultivated over time. Every age-appropriate responsibility, every challenge worked through, and every disappointment survived becomes evidence that these kids are stronger than they realized.

David and Sissy offer several practical ideas that I found both simple and helpful that I want to share with you:

1. Normalize nerves.
   Help children and teens understand that feeling nervous before something new or difficult is normal. Whether it’s the first day of school, trying out for a team, speaking in front of the class, or sleeping away from home, nerves don’t necessarily mean something is wrong. They often mean we’re doing something that stretches us, which is good and necessary for our growth!
2. Allow healthy stress.
   As parents, it’s natural to want to protect our children from discomfort. But not all stress is harmful. Healthy, manageable stress—when supported by caring adults—actually helps children develop resilience. When we rush to remove every obstacle, we may unintentionally communicate that they can’t handle it. Instead, we can stay close, encourage them, and let them experience the satisfaction of overcoming challenges and building resilience.
3. Create opportunities to practice courage in small, everyday ways.
   Courage isn’t reserved for life’s biggest moments. It grows through small, repeated acts of bravery: ordering their own meal at a restaurant, introducing themselves to a new friend, asking a teacher for help, trying a new activity, or persevering through a difficult homework assignment. These seemingly ordinary moments become the training ground for handling bigger challenges later in life.

I love this perspective because it shifts our goal as parents. Rather than trying to raise children who never struggle, we can aim to raise children who trust themselves—and the adults around them—to navigate life’s inevitable struggles. Capability isn’t the absence of fear or failure; it’s the growing confidence that, “Even when this is hard, I can handle it.”

Here is a link to the show in case you want to tune in and listen to more parenting wisdom from David Thomas and Sissy Goff.

Mary earned her undergraduate degree in economics from Washington and Lee University in 2018. After working in consulting and real estate development, Mary decided to follow her calling to become a counselor. In 2023, she earned a Master of Arts in Clinical Mental Health Counseling from the University of North Carolina Charlotte. Mary lives in Charlotte with her husband, Jay, and their French Bulldog, Adele. She loves good conversations with friends over the dinner table and enjoys hosting people in her home. A native Floridian, Mary loves the sunshine and will take any opportunity to spend time on the water!