how talking helps (and why we avoid it)

I am, what people might call, a talk therapist. So, I am often asked, “How does talking help?” Sometimes the undertone of the question is, “How does merely talking help? Talk is just talk, isn’t it? Don’t you need more than just talk?”

It’s a fair question, because, yes, “mere talk” isn’t enough. Our life-concerns require real in-the-world choice and courageous action.

But if you will allow me a strange retort; talk is never mere talk. There is more to this strange gift of language. Whenever we express ourselves, we engage in a process that involves the whole person. I’ll repeat that: all talk involves the whole person. Contrast this to keeping things bottled up inside.  Rumination, stewing, and stuffing down do the exact opposite of involving our whole selves. They are designed to shut out certain emotions, shield ourselves from conviction, and deny our weaknesses or needs (especially the need for grace). But when you talk, you must commit to certain words and say them in a certain way, which automatically engages more of your whole self.

Though you might try, you cannot escape this involvement. For example, you might try to describe a painful situation without naming the associated painful emotions, or you might try to edit out your contribution to the problem. Maybe you will be successful in leaving them out. But in order to omit them, you still have to involve several parts of yourself. You had to choose “over them” and then justify this choice (even if subconsciously) and then deal with the dissonance caused by the omissions. Presto! Your mind, will, emotions and even conscience are involved. You cannot escape this. Talking automatically involves your whole person, regardless of whether your goal is to face life or hide from it. As this involvement increases, more of you is brought forward and the less likely you’ll be able to hide. Said another way, talking helps even if/when you are lying.

Take another example: the common everyday greeting, “Good Morning.”  As ordinary as this is, it, too, asks for involvement of your whole person. If I choose to offer someone a “Good Morning,” I activate more portions of myself, and thus, whether I like it or not, more of me is “out there.”

Below are a few of the decisions I have to make (the part of me that is more involved):

1. “Do I just greet and move on or linger for more?” (Desire – what do I want?)

1. “How sincerely do I express my greeting?” (Values – Is this person important to me)

1. “Do I make eye contact?” (Trust – will I let them see into me?)

1. “Did I mumble, sound too cheerful, give away too much?” (Fear – Am I safe here?)

With so much of yourself called up, the long-term stakes are high. If I get this greeting right, I will be able to move through the day with some equanimity. Get it wrong and I am off to a clunky, awkward start. If I get it really wrong over time – my life bogs down – perhaps I gain a reputation of grumpiness, or superficiality. A feedback loop is created where I respond to the way I am perceived, often defensively. And seldom is this loop named or spoken of.

My point here is that talk is an integrating process; it pulls in our emotions, histories, trust, values and fear, and combines them into behaviors (e.g. word choice, facial expression, and tone of voice). Voila! We are out there. And being out there is high risk/high reward. It risks rejection or lack of respect. But it also gives opportunity for our heart to be known as it is. Talk is never mere talking; it has a way for putting us out there. And out there is where grace happens.

So now I am ready to answer the question: how does talking help? Talking helps because it asks you to unhide. (Which is also why we don’t want to do it)

The very first “talk” recorded in the Bible is exactly this. When God asks, “Where are you?” he is literally asking Adam and Eve to unhide. Now that conversation became clunky quickly. Adam and Eve tried to hide even while answering God’s question, but they were seen nonetheless. In the end, they had to face the painful truth of their new situation, but they were also invited back to their need of grace and the sure promise of it.

Hide successfully and yes, you temporarily avoid some pain, but you also miss the grace. One primary way to defeat your hiding compulsion is to talk. Talk clunky, talk insecurely, talk defensively, but talk. Talking brings the inside to the outside. And there, in the light, some really good things have a chance to happen: trust, conviction, forgiveness, comfort.

Talking is, in essence, a means of grace.

Roger Edwards joined The Barnabas Center in 1991. He works with both individuals and couples, helping people confess their need and embrace their available choices to lead healthier lives. Roger also teaches and leads discussion groups and retreats applying the Gospel to everyday life. He is a licensed clinical mental health counselor (LCMHC), holds a master’s degree in biblical counseling from Grace Theological Seminary in Indiana and a bachelor’s degree in engineering from the University of North Carolina at Charlotte. He is married to Jean; they have seven children and nine grandchildren.