apology ninja

I don’t like to be wrong.  I don’t like to hurt people.

But even less than these things, I don’t like someone else telling me I was wrong or I hurt them. However, if I have to face either of those realities, I’d much rather come to that conclusion myself and not have to be externally confronted with my misdeed.

In my ideal world, if I cause harm, I’d rather recognize it and apologize for it before the other person even registers that they were hurt. Like some sort of apology ninja; I’ll hurt you and apologize for it before even one drop of blood falls or you even know you were hurt! Humble of me, right?

This spring I have been leading a Barnabas Training group. Barnabas Training is a 10-week teaching and process group aimed at helping people learn to care for others in deeper ways. It’s a mix of Bible study, conversation, and “helping skills” (such as asking questions and active listening) designed to help us connect more deeply to ourselves, to others, and most importantly to God. We talk a lot about hurt, disappointment, and forgiveness along the way. Teaching it this spring has invited me to see my own continual need for forgiveness and grace. It’s something I cognitively know I always need but at times I can get away from remembering. The disappointing truth is that I can easily forget the simple, yet deeply fundamental, things about life as a Christ follower.

Toward the end of our ten weeks together, the group explored what makes repentance and forgiveness good things for us as Christians. The basic idea is that by recognizing I have done something wrong or hurtful, I can confess it and repent of it (basically turning away from my own choice in the situation and back to God).  This ideally allows me to engage in the process of being forgiven and returns me to a safe connection with God and the other person. It’s low-key a main theme of the Bible and one I am realizing—yet again—I can never outrun or relearn too often. What a glorious and disappointing relief.

I feel like this tension (the safe connectedness that follows repentance and my own internal resistance to the process) is well represented by the prophet Isaiah when he says:

This is what the Sovereign Lord,
the Holy One of Israel, says:
“Only in returning to me
and resting in me will you be saved.
In quietness and confidence is your strength.
But you would have none of it.” (Isaiah 30:15, NLT)

All this takes me back to my opening thoughts: I don’t want to be wrong, and I don’t want to hurt people, but the truth is that I do both. AND if I let my desire to avoid vulnerability (aka be an apology ninja) I don’t ever get to receive forgiveness and reconcile in a way that helps me move on in a more connected way. You see, if I can’t admit I am wrong, I can never be forgiven. And I really do want to be forgiven. I don’t like this but, even more so, I am so deeply relieved by this.

So, this spring I want to add more phrases to my usual vocabulary: I am sorry, I repent, and Will you forgive me? With a little thought, some ongoing prayer, and a lot of the presence of the Holy Spirit, I hope to remember to use them.

Noelle joined the Barnabas Center in May of 2018. She has a Bachelors of Arts in Psychology from Berry College in Rome, GA and a Master of Science in Counseling from the University of North Carolina at Greensboro. Previously she has worked with college-aged individuals and adults dealing with anxiety, depression, self-harm, identity issues, relationship concerns, and challenges related to life transitions. She is passionate about walking with individuals as they face the struggles of life and the questions that come from living in a broken world.