freedom to play
This past Christmas, my whole family gathered and was together for the first time in several years. We now total sixteen, including our six grandchildren ranging in age from one to eight years old (and only one girl in the whole half dozen!). Though excited, as I contemplated the gathering, I began to feel anxious. My mind ruminated about details, from how to feed everyone to what presents to buy and how to enjoy ourselves with such a big group. Preparing for six grandchildren felt especially daunting, as they are a small pre-school classroom in and of themselves.
The memories of previous Christmas celebrations, and my own childhood memories, seemed like a military guard dictating to me the rules and regulations of Christmas. China plates, real silverware, and turkey with multiple sides displayed on a white linen tablecloth were the first things to come to mind. Pictures of Southern Living magazine floated in my head, with a pecan pie, homemade of course. My anxiety grew with my imagination and weariness overwhelmed me.
My husband and I had multiple conversations about how to get together as a family of this size and have a good time and make the most of our time together. My hopes of a Southern Living Christmas made me too anxious; I knew I would too worried about the details miss out on being present with those people I love the most. So, we came up with another plan. He would make something delicious on the grill, but we would buy some sides from the local barbeque place. We would focus on the grandchildren and parents would take turns engaging with the kids with games and outside play, even if it was cold. We had a badminton net in the back yard, an inside golf mat with balls that stick, puzzles, and a coloring station with a big cardboard house that they could play in and draw on, too. In short, we found a lot of fun things to do.
The result was one of the most memorable and sweet Christmas gatherings I can remember. I was the least anxious I can ever remember being during the holidays, and therefore the most present with the family and able to enjoy each person. It was a major shift for our family that taught me so much about what is important in relationships. Specifically, it reminded me that play is an important part of good relationships and intimacy.
The whole experience reminded me of a book that I love about marriage called Reconnect: insights and tools for cultivating meaningful connection in your marriage by Steve Call. In a chapter called “Play together to stay together” I am reminded of how important play is in relationships. In fact, Steve offers this quote from Plato: “You can discover more about a person in one hour of play than in a year of conversation”. This rocks my world! I am a rather serious person who prides myself on asking questions and having good conversations with people. Honestly, I can feel that same military guard voice telling me I am too busy and have too much to do to play games! Growing up, my family was mostly serious about school, work, and life; play was not a priority. Steve encourages couples to remember when they started dating and remember what they did that was fun. He will often give them a prescription to play for at least ten minutes three times a week. This will often bring a new sense of connection and renewed intimacy to their relationship or perhaps reveal what might be keeping them from being willing to play together.
Play means that there are times when it’s best to surrender to a whole other paradigm of relationship. After our time this Christmas I am beginning to see the value of playing with friends and family. It reminds me of the scripture that Jesus tells us to enter the kingdom of God we must become like little children (Matthew 18:3). Children are not concerned with schedules or the worries of tomorrow. They are fully present to the moment and enjoy it completely. I wonder if this allows us to lower our normal self-protective guard and connect with others in ways we don’t normally. As I consider the scripture, I believe Jesus is telling us something very important about how to relate to and love one another.
So, what do you do to play? Would you be willing to intentionally begin to find ways to play with your spouse, family or friends? I would love to know what you come up with and ways you find joy and intimacy in playing.
Laurie has been a counselor at The Barnabas Center since 2018. She completed her Master of Christian Counseling at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary in 2015 and her undergraduate degree in Human Development at UNC-Chapel Hill. Laurie is married to Michael and they have five grown children, three grandsons, and one granddaughter. In her spare time, she enjoys yoga, walking, reading, spending time with friends and family, especially playing with her grandchildren.
