new year, new home
As the year ends and a new one begins, I take time to review the past year and anticipate the one coming. I go through my calendar and photos and think about the events, highlights, and struggles. And every year a theme emerges as I contemplate the close of the year. The time is well spent, as it offers direction and meaning to life, and I typically hear God speaking to me in a way I would not otherwise.
This past year was a time of transition that was disruptive and disorienting, to put it mildly. It started with my husband retiring from a 40-year career in sales which required him to travel often and be away from home. It was a welcome change, but also one that required finding a new way of being together and defining new roles at home. We are still working on it!
Then we moved from the home we had lived in for sixteen years. We had been searching for a townhome for quite some time and God provided the right one only five minutes from our previous home. But as I have tried to adjust, I once again felt adrift and not sure where I belonged. Sometimes I drive to my old grocery store instead of the new one near my house, just to be in a familiar place. Moving was our choice, and we were excited and felt God’s blessing in it, but it also caused a huge disruption.
In January, I witnessed my mother draw her last breath after a long battle with dementia. It had been years of holding vigil to a slow process of observing her memory loss, the ability to speak, communicate, and eventually to swallow. Her death was a relief, as I no longer watched her heartbreaking decline. But it also brought feelings of being lost. Now that both of my parents are gone, I feel adrift. My husband and I are now “the elders,” which feels uncomfortable and somehow as if I am not old enough. Aging is more of a reality now; I have experienced new bouts with minor health issues and have friends experience major health scares. Being without parents brings home this inevitability for myself and everyone I know. The reality of death is coming closer and I feel it.
I have searched for words to name how I feel. I have never been a sailor, but the word “unmoored” comes to mind. The definition is “to be no longer attached to a mooring (an anchor for boats)” or, when speaking of a person, to be insecure, confused, or disconnected. That is exactly the way I have felt this last year: lost, uneasy, uncomfortable, and adrift without stability. I believe God has been turning me to Him through a deep longing for home, a place I feel comfortable, safe, seen, and loved. He has shown me that while certain places, people, and events bring a sense of home and belonging, all will fade, die, or change, so they aren’t my permanent home.
I know God leads us to Him through turmoil and tragedy. He uses our suffering to bring us closer. As I searched the scriptures for understanding, I didn’t have to look too far, as God kept bringing Psalm 27 and 91 to my heart and mind.
One thing I ask from the Lord, this only do I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the Lord
and seek him in his temple.
Psalm 27:4
I will say of the Lord. “He is my refuge
and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.”
Psalm 91:2
I have read these Psalms many times, but their truth struck me in a way they never have until this year. David finds refuge, a home in the house of the Lord. He seeks the One who is His creator and his Father. This past year above all has shown me the same: my earthly home, family, and friends are wonderful and I love them, but my true home is with God. And when I put my home, my family, my work, or my friends above God I end up unmoored and adrift. The only true refugee and safe place is with Him.
My prayer is that I have a new understanding and deeper belief in God and His goodness in the coming year. And that you do too!
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Laurie has been a counselor at The Barnabas Center since 2018. She completed her Master of Christian Counseling at Gordon Conwell Theological Seminary in 2015 and her undergraduate degree in Human Development at UNC-Chapel Hill. Laurie is married to Michael and they have five grown children, three grandsons, and one granddaughter. In her spare time, she enjoys yoga, walking, reading, spending time with friends and family, especially playing with her grandchildren.
